Tunnel of Shame

So some time back, i started walking into a tunnel of my own making.

The tunnel is dark.

Occasionally cracks in it let light in. The light changed the view temporarily. Gave me more hope; showed me signs of what is outside the tunnel. And frightened me also. Although the light was beckoning it was also very frightening as I did not trust it fully.

When I was brave enough, I let myself walk outside that tunnel. and then excitedly I rush around gathering lush flowers, incredible Ideas, exotic beings and soothing sounds and drag them into my tunnel.

I did not realise I was living in my tunnel. Because I had “decorated” the tunnel in the likeness of the world outside to hide its ugliness.

And I became fantastically adept at taking what I wanted from outside the tunnel and hoarding it in my tunnel.

The problem was my tunnel did not have connection with all that is real and alive for all these lush; delightful plants and beings to thrive let alone survive or enjoy living in my tunnel.  I had done an amazing job of projecting painful, hurtful and demeaning core beliefs on my tunnel walls as my reality, Obscuring any light that might flow through the cracks I was covering up.

Let me tell you, I have a fantastic imagination. It is so powerful.

Sadly, I have been using it to create a life distorting Soulful heartful love through my prisms of lack.

Lack of love;
trust;
togetherness;
joy
Lack of being

and so through these lacks i created a fantastic world of denial and untruths.

Recently, through some “bad” actions on my part,  I came face to face with my “delusion”..

This tunnel and all that I have created in it, is suffocating; it has no flow, only “borrowed” love and it’s foundations and walls are based on fear – fear of the monsters that live within as inherited core beliefs, that i project outwards on anything that dare challenge my core beliefs.

I had the “good fortune” through pain to confront these monsters and my tunnel is now crumbling ….

All the facades I had decorated so well to hide the rot within are no longer sustainable. No amount of stealing brilliant colours from the outside will fix or hide the rot.

I simply have to stand back and accept, the foundations are rotten, and need a real clearout.

I need to go deep within to remove to break my addiction to these old core beliefs.

So I stand now, a person watching all that she thought was real; falling apart around her..

There is pain for the history I have lived and the impact on loved ones and yet there is hope for what truthful beliefs will help me create.

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