I have been on a journey of healing from grief, confusion and learning more about myself. This journey started just over 2 years ago when my father passed over and I found myself falling in love all at the same time.
I, who was used to being a very solitary person, who needed no one and was a free soul, or so I thought, am realising that I DO NEED others. I need others to help me see what my ingrained patterns from childhood are so I can erase them; I need others to help me find laughter and love again.
The majority of my subconscious patterns taught me to become a people pleaser. I worked all my life to be a people pleaser and when I believed that that was failing for me and that I had completely exhausted myself for other people’s happiness, when I had no more energy left for others, I started running away. I ran away from me, my friends and family and the world who I mistakenly believed I was failing.
Living a solitary life for over 10 years was the best running away I ever did! I traveled and lived in some amazing parts of the world. Synchronicity found me working in exotic locations from Goa to Los Angeles, Hong Kong to Dubai but I left each place more exhausted then when I arrived there, all excited and fresh for a new adventure. The reason? I was still living and reacting from my subconscious belief system, that I had no needs, I was not even aware I had needs. Even though somewhere in the back of my mind I was aware that the universe was giving me beautiful places to be so that I could, spend time healing, which essentially meant change my behaviour and choices, yet each place I landed in I threw myself into being there for others and serving them and their needs.
Each time I chose to ignore the voice deep inside of me that was saying “but what about me?” The consequence? I started getting ill. My old patterns of behaviour where I believed I had to sacrifice my needs, which, by the way I didn’t even know I had or that I had a right to getting my needs met, which led to more resentment and greater exhaustion in me.
My relationship has taught me to look at myself and my needs. My relationship has pushed me to question the beliefs I have about me and where I fit in in this world. It has pushed me to question why I compromise so much and why I have always over given before.
On this journey has come the understanding that the subconscious screams all the time “ME, ME, ME”, but it is screaming from a very frightened place, unable to relax long enough to breath, to understand fully my needs and my true powers or self worth. My Value, my Worth, who I am have all come up for close scrutiny in this journey. It is tough work for someone who wants to be taken care of subconsciously believing she doesn’t have what it takes to take care of herself yet she is the first one to volunteer if anyone needs to be taken care of!
Through my work I come across this dilemma for so many people. I have solutions for all yet practicing them is where we all fail.
I have decided to start an ongoing program of self love and support. Helping people examine their old beliefs, blocks and sharing my tools, the ones I am using to help myself.
If you wish to join me on this journey please subscribe to my newsletter. The program will be going live in online in various forms next month.